somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
