if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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