Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
