I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize