I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have aggressive nipples.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
