i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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