You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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