I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
