Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
