I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
