I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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