bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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