How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
