Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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