I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We are all done wearing pants today
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