im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
