Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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