Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
