Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
