I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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