last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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