seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
