Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize