I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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