So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
