Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
