i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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