Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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