his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
