Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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