Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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