The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
