I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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