sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
