If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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