If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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