Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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