No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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