I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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