I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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