Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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