I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize