eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
