I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
