I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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