Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
