Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
