Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
