..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
