And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
