Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
