So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I puked a lego.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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