Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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