Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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