good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
