2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
What drink are we having for lunch?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
