I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
