On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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