I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
