You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
