Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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